Llomerryn Nights (Chapter 1/3)

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 Fenris traced his finger over the map, his other hand thrown over his eyes. Sebastian was close to him, and there was a certain energy in the air that he couldn’t describe. Excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anxiousness; both of them were prepared for the next step, but neither of them really knew for sure if they were prepared for what came after. When Sebastian made the suggestion, with his body spooned behind Fenris and his mouth close to his ear, it had seemed like a natural progression. Fenris’ toothbrush was in Sebastian’s bathroom, his clothes were folded neatly in his drawer, his socks were littering his bedroom floor – it seemed like the most logical thing to do was to take a trip together.

“Few days,” Sebastian said. “Just the two of us. I mean, if that sounds like something you’d want to do. You don’t have to, Fen. If you---“

“I want to,” Fenris said, before he’d had any time to think things through. 
 

The second the words had left him, his mind had screamed at him that it was too soon, it was too fast, there was no telling what they might find out about one another that might cause a rift between them. Granted, he knew enough, sharing a bed with him, but still. Sleeping over three nights a week wasn’t the same as spending every minute forthree days together. 

It wasn’t something he could bring up. Sebastian seemed excited, if a little nervous, and Fenris didn’t want to kill his enthusiasm. So, with more hesitation than his lover, Fenris picked a place at random on the map. That had been Sebastian’s idea, too. Instead of arguing over where to go, and most likely ruining the entire trip before it started, they would choose a place at random.

Sebastian kissed his ear, lightly, and wrapped his fingers around his wrist. “Let’s see, love.”

They looked down together. Fenris’ heart sped up a bit when he saw where his finger rested. There were a million tangled up emotions and fears and thoughts; but at the core of him, was a ripple of excitement. The shore had been kind to him, once upon a time, when he’d been younger and bolder; he hoped it would be good to him again – to the both of them.

Rivain.

***

Part of him wanted to tell Sebastian why he was so nervous about returning to Rivain; but he couldn’t muster the courage to do it. Fenris was afraid that when Sebastian learned what had happened during his first visit to the coast, he would rethink more than their trip together – he might rethink their entire relationship. Reasonably, Fenris was sure Sebastian wouldn’t abandon him because of an indiscretion when he’d been fifteen years old, but even still.

Trust was a fragile thing. Fenris didn’t want to ruin the trust Sebastian had placed in him, and he didn’t want to test the trust he had in Sebastian. So many people had failed him… He would rather not add Sebastian to the list.

Instead of making a big deal out of something that obviously wasn’t, Fenris let Sebastian drag him around town. Shopping was low on the list of things Fenris wanted to be doing, but he enjoyed seeing how excited Sebastian was, how he took pleasure in spoiling him and treating him to the fine things he’d never had before.

No one had ever been so good to him before. No one had ever told him that he deserved more, that he deserved to be happy, that he deserved to be safe. Sebastian was the first person who had taken Fenris’ hand and looked down at him and said, “I love you,” without adding a thousand little stipulations, a thousand little things that Fenris had to do to be worthy of him.

For all he’d done for him, Fenris figured he could put on a smile and pretend to be interested in which pair of jeans looked best on him, or which shirt brought out the green of his eyes.

“Have you called Aveline?” Sebastian asked. They were sitting on the patio of a café with a light breeze rustling their hair and iced tea chilly in their hands; the last thing Fenris wanted to talk about was Aveline.

“No,” he said. “She’s not going to do it for us.”

“Why not?” Sebastian asked. “She’s your friend, right? I just need her to come by and water the plants and check the mail. We’re not asking for her first born here, Fenris.”

“Right, but you don’t know her,” Fenris said. “She’s going to lay into me about all of this. She won’t want me going away with you.”

Aveline always meant well, and she had done a lot to take care of Fenris over the years, but her overprotectiveness had moved steadily from endearing to irritating. There was no way she’d be able to keep her opinions to herself when Fenris told her he and Sebastian were going away together; and worse than that, there was no way she’d be able to keep a secret when she found out where they were going. She was the only one who knew about his time in Rivain, and Fenris wanted to keep it that way.

“If you don’t ask her, I will,” Sebastian said. “And she doesn’t like me.”

“Fine, fine,” Fenris sighed. “I’ll call her tonight.”

Sebastian smirked, and leaned on his elbows. “You should do it now,” he said, “Before you conveniently ‘forget’ to do it later.”

Fenris swore under his breath.

He already knew him too well.

 

 

***

 

Aveline agreed, albeit grudgingly, to come by every day and keep things in order while they were out of town. She waited until Sebastian had gone into another room before she started lecturing him about the dangers of rushing things.

“You’ve only known him a month,” Aveline said. “It’s bad enough you’ve decided to move in with him---“

“I haven’t,” Fenris interrupted.

“Not officially,” Aveline said. “But I know as well as you that you’re spending all of your time over there. I bet your toothbrush is in his bathroom right now.”

Heat built on his face. Luckily Aveline wasn’t there, or she’d see the truth written all over his face. It was much easier to lie to her over the phone. “No,” he said, “And I really don’t see how this is any of your business, Aveline. I’m not a child.”

Her voice softened. At the end of the day, no matter how much she lectured and disapproved and overstepped, Aveline cared about him. She wanted him to be happy. She didn’t like Sebastian – she had made that quite clear the moment she’d met him – but she could see that he was important to him.

The Vaels were a well-known family, and Sebastian was supposedly the son that had caused his parents the most grief and worry, running around and causing trouble the way he had when he’d been young; because of that, Aveline judged him as carousing and careless and flighty – but she had toned down her disapproval when she’d seen how much Fenris cared for him.

Still, Fenris could feel her dislike, but he respected that she bit her tongue.

“I know that,” Aveline said, gently. “I do. I just… You’re moving really fast, Fenris. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

He glanced up and saw Sebastian in the other room, folding clothes and tucking them into suitcases, humming to himself. He was good. Not all the time and not perfect, not without his flaws and faults and little, tiresome quirks. But he was good. He made Fenris feel good, feel full in a way he never had before. If things were moving too quickly, if they were setting themselves up for a painful fall, if they were getting their hopes up… Well, that was part of living.

Sebastian was worth taking a risk on. Fenris could feel that in his bones.

Just as he knew there was no living without getting hurt.

“Just… tell me to have a good time, Aveline.”

He could hear the smile in her voice; it was tired, but there: “Have a good time, Fenris.”

Fenris hung up before he could ask her to tell him not to go.

***

 

“Sebastian,” Fenris breathed. Maker, he wanted to just melt into the bed, to just let Sebastian’s lips ease him as they moved down his body. They were pressed against his hip, tongue slipping from teeth to drag over his skin. Fenris shivered, but he said his name with more insistence – and not the insistence Sebastian wanted.

“What?” Sebastian asked. “Are you okay?”

No, he wasn’t. He wanted to be, but he wasn’t. It had nothing to do with Sebastian’s mouth, or the solid feel of him between his legs, or the way his hair slipped out of its carefully combed back style and rested messy and tangled on his forehead.

It had everything to do with Rivain.

“No,” Fenris sighed. “I’m not.”